and it comes back to haunt me;

It's another one of those gray gloomy days here, where everything is just dreary and makes you want to sleep. Exam season now, right up to Febuary, where chinese new year will kick in, with no red packets, food, and no new clothes for me. :(

A bit depressing really, my train of thought, but then again that's just the way life as a student is and should be. I don't know why, but when I look at myself now, I see a completely different girl than that of what I want to be in my head. It just seems like my control over my habits, emotions, and everything else doesn't exist.

Maybe I lack self-control, or maybe it is something else, that is vital to achieving this harmony that I want in my life. Actually, it is more emotions than anything else. I find myself constantly thinking back to the times we spent, the things that we did, and whatever bond it is that we shared, or at least that of which I felt.

Saddens me to see how much have changed, in such a short span of time. All those promises you made, the future we created. I remember not wanting to have hopes in one, but you insisted, broke down every wall there was, took my heart away and broke it into a million pieces a short while later.

I had a lot of doubts from the very beginning, as does everyone else, but I foolishly chose to trust, and this decision is one that I do not regret, despite the amount of unspeakable grief that it caused me. It taught me a lesson, a big one, and most importantly, it taught me to love, and to know that what you love may not be good for you.

Even now, I can still feel something stirring inside me everytime I look at pictures of you, though I rarely admit it. Every single time. It bothers me how you can move on so quickly and recover so damn easily, when it is still hurting me. Is this supposed to be the way life works? If so, then it just isn't fair.

The last time I had an exam, you were there to ruin it for me, requiring my constant attention and pampering, and now that you're not there to bother me, I don't know why I still can't focus on something so important and necessary to the foundations of a career so much - a degree.

I am so confused right now. The constant insomnia doesn't help at all, and this kind of closure is not what I need, because it is all lies. I don't know what I need or want now, but I do know that if you choose to be, you can still be it.